On the Real: How to Talk to Your Friends About the Heavy Stuff
words Jennifer Denise Lynch
Illustrations Serena Velvet
We all go through rough times, and when that inevitably happens, it helps to know that someone has your back. The security of that support can resonate volumes, and therefore when something traumatic happens to a loved one, it becomes our responsibility to ensure that they feel that same way. Having said that, if can be really freakin’ hard to know where to start or how to maintain that type of relationship and dialogue.
So, here are some pointers on how to get started. My personal experience with these topics is centered around my two bouts with endometrial cancer and subsequent treatment, but the concepts can be applied to many other physical and emotional experiences. Here we go!
Don’t ignore them. Hiding the problem won’t make it go away, so you might as well be open from the start. It’s easy to feel like you are being burdensome by trying to get involved in what they are going through, but chances are that they are feeling that same way about opening up and sharing their experience with others.
Spend time together. This is the easiest way to show them you care. Set up a tea date or movie night. Take the first step and stay on schedule. It’s nice to have things to look forward to.
Follow their lead. Maybe they hate tea and movies. Maybe they want to spend more time alone and making crafts. Just be flexible. But also…
Watch for depression. In following their lead and being flexible, watching for depression is also part of that dance. This then also goes back to being open, honest, and willing to discuss any concerns you may have.
Focus on listening and not being intrusive. Offer encouragement and encouraging stories, but don’t preach. This primarily comes down to thinking before you speak.
Don’t minimize their experience. When you’re offering positive encouragement to someone who is in a very dark place in their life, it’s easy to accidentally become overly positive and/or so nonchalant that it completely minimizes what they are experiencing. Sometimes you just need someone to acknowledge that things suck.
Keep your cool. Symptoms aren’t personal and neither are drug side effects.
Be a partner in treatment. Helping them reach out will help ease stress in major ways. Do some research, find a book and some resources that can serve as a starting point for them moving forward. Someone did this for me and it helped in a profoundly pragmatic way.
Go to appointments with them, but ONLY if you are a patient human and don’t mind waiting. Having an impatient person with you at an appointment is actually super stressful and can make situations even harder.
Lend a helping hand if you can. For me, food is one of the most significant ways that people show their sincerity in caring for others. In hard times, having someone make sure that you fed yourself a decent meal that day means the world.
Refrain from physical assessments and comparisons. This is something we should all stop doing anyway, but especially in regards to someone who may be experiencing physical or emotional occurrences that alter their appearance in a way that is out of their control. This can be said for comparing similar stories and this is extremely true regarding comments on weight fluctuations either way on the scale. Just don’t do it!
Take care of yourself too! Know that what you are doing to show your loved one that you care about them and their well-being does not go unnoticed and that you are appreciated. You also deserve some TLC. Give yourself a break and go take a bubble bath.
So don’t be afraid! It’s a learning experience for everyone. Whether it’s cancer, loss, depression, addiction recovery, or any other kind of intense shit, you got this. The important thing is that you are obviously trying.